Capri.. 3rd August

Hi,

I'm in Capri now! It's amazing! We had a good time in Portofino though.. The last night being no exception. We all got ready and headed for Carlos' yacht. We got on there and everybody was drunk already due to our late arrival. I began drinking Dissarano and coke with Elliot while the girls were on wine. Kelly being the bad influence she is (on everyone) got the girls drunk within the hour and it wasn't long after until the Dissarano I'd been sipping through a straw went straight to my head and I took to the dancefloor. As always, when one of the brats I call my best friends is not entirely please with something they see to it that it's fixed. The problem this evening being the music. Once again Carlos, quite understandably, had put Italian music on the stereo for what he thought to be entertainment. Wrong. As I was sat having a drink with Rob, Elliot and Paulo Kelly came over behind us and said "Jesus Christ you two... I've been shouting and waving you like a drowning prostitute! Do either of you have your Ipods with you?" We told her we hadn't and she said "I cannot cope any longer. This noise is turning my last night into a Predicament!" She took her Blackberry out of her clutch along with a pen from the hotel and dialed the number off it. They answered and she said "Can you put me through to the Concierge... Good Evening it's Kelly Moss here from one of the suites." I persume he asked how he could help and she said "I need my Ipod. Now. So can you have someone go up to my room and get it. There's a black YSL bag on the floor somewhere and it's in there." I realised I hadn't brought any contraception out with me and I asked Elliot if he had any and he said he'd told me to bring them - he hadn't. I informed Kelly to tell the concierge to have the person get a packet of condoms when Paulo and Rob simultaneously said "I have condoms" I looked at them and said "Who said I'm going home with either of you two tonight" I laughed and winked at them. I was going home with them.. There's no other option, apart from alone. Kelly looked at me like as if I'd just asked her to translate a french essay for me and threw me her clutch. I opened the vastly oversized thing and in there was some makeup, perfume and at least 30 condoms of various flavors and sizes. I looked at her and said.. "Having sex tonight then?" She was still on the phone and  said "Is the Pope Jewish?" I assured her that he wasn't and she said "Well you know what I mean... Of course I am! I've already had some action tonight..." She pointed out a not very good looking man "That man there, has amazing hands. One of the italian girls recommended him and he played me like a bloody Piano. I couldn't look at him though; so deeply unattractive. It's a shame really. His talents will never get noticed being given to him. Give them to well, not you two" she noticed Paulo"Three, because you already posses them, say that personal shopper I slept with. He was gorgeous but absolutely abysmal in bed and the foreplay field." She realised she was still on the phone to the concierge and said "Oh I forgot you were still there" The phone had been stuck to her ear all through that speech, how could she have forgotten? She told him where the yacht was and he said he'd have it with her in a few moments. Meanwhile Elliot and I took some condoms from her clutch and handed it back. She hung up from and said "Shall we join the mile high club on the way to Capri?" I looked at her as though she was an idiot, as she usually did me, and said "Unless you wish to straddle me in front of everyone whilst I sit strapped in and clutching the arm rests, then yes by all means.. Otherwise no." she looked at Elliot and he said "I'm already a member." She told him she was too.. Obviously, and he said "Well we won't have enough time anyway... It's only an hour" She realised that was not enough time for any of us to have sex and decided she'd do it with him next time we go to New York. Filth! Haha. 

A few minutes later she reappeared from the crowed and went to the doorway where one of the bellboy's was stood with her ipod touch in his hands. She said "Ah marvelous... Just hold your hands out for me" He did so and she emptied the contents of her bag, including the condoms, into his hands. He looked puzzled and then she said "Oh.. Tip it all back in." He did so and she bellowed "Kyle darling.. Wallet" I threw it to her and like a true drunken blonde: she clapped her hands together in order to catch it when it had all ready hit her boobs and was falling to the floor. She picked it up and handed the boy/man a €5 note and he went on his way. Seconds later Kelly's recently updated ipod was being played full blast. Elliot and I got up for a dance with Ellie and Kayleigh.. Kelly was in the centre of about 4 men and was therefore unreachable. 

As the party went on and state of drunkenness worsened I began chatting and dancing with Paulo and when the clock struck 4 we left. Put it this way... I didn't get to sleep until about 7 and I don't think next door did either. 

On Monday I got up quite early and left Paulo in bed with intentions of packing my case. That didn't quite go to plan... I walked out dressed in nothing but a pair of Calvin Klein boxers and I went to the lounge and pulled one of my trunks out from under the table (while my bum was sticking up in the air) when someone who I persumed to be Elliot came walking in behind me. I turned around and saw a tanned muscley hunk walking out of Elliot's room towards me (he was going to the kitchen.) I showed that charming smile of mine and, well, to cut a long story short, one thing led to another and I didn't end up packing until 2 hours later. 

I left The Splendido hotel in Portofino at half past 4 in the afternoon, (when I was checking out Eva Longoria was checking in) in order to get a punctual arrival at the airport for 6. I was however, making this journey alone. Elliot, Kelly, Kayleigh and Ellie went by air and I was going by road. I was already going to have to endure a flight so I wanted to minimize the amount of air time by as much as possible. I managed to cram all my cases into the car. There were 3 trunks in the boot, 2 cases on the passenger seat and a few next to me in the back and on the floor. We were limited for space.. We all had about 6 each to begin with however, the clothes which we've worn have been sent home because they won't get worn again whilst we're away; or ever in some cases. 

I arrived at the airport just 5 minutes before the others and met them in the terminal. I was wearing some Military/cargo pants, some sandals which took about 5 hours to get on because of all the straps and buckles, a tight khaki low crew neck t-shirt and a military cap all by Dolce & Gabbana with some DVB aviators, I also had my monogram gucci duffel which is from the new winter collection. Ellie was wearing a pair of jeans with some Giuseppe Zanotti shoes, a Paul & Joe cardigan which went down to about her knee, a plain white top and an oversized Miu Miu bag. Kayeligh was wearing a plain white Narciso Rodriguez dress with some Gold Jimmy Choo's and a Marni bag. Kelly was wearing a Cavalli Kaftan style top with some white jeans, Robert Sanderson studded heels and a Pauric Sweeney python bag. Elliot had a pair of dark denim jeans on from Seven, a low V neck white tshirt, a grey Dolce & Gabbana waistcoat, a Fendi neckscarf and my Dolce & Gabbana high-top trainers. We all checked in, our luggage was taken to the plane and we went into the VIP lounge.. It was disgusting. It looked like a cheap B&B you'd expect to find in Ibiza. I almost felt as though I didn't want to sit down. We could have just gone straight to the plane but I get scared just being on it so I insisted we sat in here for a while whilst I tried to get drunk. I sound like some sort of alcoholic but I can assure you, it is a necessity. 

We sat in the repulsive room for about half and hour until our jet was ready. In which time I consumed a vast amount of alcohol and went to the toilet every 10 minutes - literally. As we walked to the plane I could feel the alcohol going to my head. Excellent. The plane journey should not be one to cause a nervous breakdown if I'm somewhat drunk. We got on the jet and I sat in my leather recliner strapped as tightly as possible clutching the arm rest. The others sat around me chatting away to the air hostess and each other whilst I shut them out and took deep breaths. Then they dimmed the lights and the engines turned on and my stomach flipped. It always did when they did that (my heart rate has increased just writing this!) As we accelerated down the runway I gripped the armrest tightly, shut my eyes, took deep breaths and listened to des'ree - Kissing you on my ipod in an attempt to calm myself down. After being in the air for a traumatic 10 minutes I fell to sleep. I hardly slept at all last night and I was slightly tipsy so it was inevitable yet intentional. I was woken by Elliot when we'd landed in Naples. It was such a relief! I collected my bag and got off the plane where there was a mercedes CL coupe like my mothers waiting to take me to the port and a helicopter waiting to take them to Capri. There was a problem as soon as we saw it. 

The Helicopter was not the Sikorsky 76 model which normally picks us up from airports.. It was significantly smaller than that, therefore meaning that hardly any of the cases were going to fit in it. There was usually a squeeze anyway and cars had to be ordered however with this there was no chance. I asked my chauffer if he could have a people carrier or estate car brought to the airport immediately, he got on the phone and he assured us that one would be here within the next minutes. I then attempted to get my cases into the car. I got 3 trunks in the boot (just about) and the rest of my bags were once again piled in the car. A member of staff from the airport came and unloaded the cases from the plane and put them in a huge pile in the middle of the ground. We looked like a bunch of useless rich kids.. I suppose we were actually. There we all stood in oversized sunglasses with a pile of Louis Vuitton luggage, a private jet, a helicopter and a blacked out window mercedes whilst there were planes taxiing past us on the way to the terminal - you could see the various minute faces staring through the windows at us. The staff from the airport managed to get 2 trunks into the helicopter and one of them threw one in... Mistake. Mouth-almighty Kelly noticed and shouted "Excuse me! If it's not too much trouble would you like to handle my luggage with a bit more care please! That case alone is worth thousands not to mention the contents." She was getting moody due to the inconvenience. It was awful. I couldn't hear a thing anyone was saying, my head was spinning slightly (alcohol I expect), it was blowing a bloody gail and I kept on getting bits of Ellie's hair blown in my mouth from standing next to her. 

Ellie, Elliot and Kayleigh went and sat in the helicopter and I waited with Kelly as she nagged my chauffeur about how long the car would be. Once 15 minutes had passed she asked again. He told her it wouldn't be long. She said "Jesus Christ! I am reaching for the stars when I ask for a Sikorsky helicopter or a car to arrive as it seems nobody can accomplish such tasks which I thought to be fairly simple! The incompetance of some people is overwhelming." Somebody's p.a was going to be getting a grilling. See what I mean - brats; if we don't get our own way then somebody pays. 

I was unaware that mercedes made monstrosities such as the one which arrived to take the luggage, however it did the job and it all fit in. They headed to Capri whilst I headed to the port. After about 10 minutes in the car I went into my gucci duffel to check my blackberry. It wasn't there and I knew exactly where it was... In the little compartment on the windowsill on the plane. Great. I brought a spare though, it was in the accessory case. I had the driver pull over while I went into the boot, tooke out one case and left it on the hardshoulder while I searched through the other for my phone box. Everyone was staring but I didn't care, I needed a phone! I found it and the driver put the cases back in the boot while I used the phone which was built into the car. I had Jackie's number wrote down in my hermes agenda which was in my duffel thankfully so I called her immediately. I told her what I'd done and she said "ok, it won't be a minute." She knows what to do. Gabrielle and I are doing this all the time. She rings up the people who you have to ring in that situation (who, I don't know) and has the sim card which I have spare activated with the my old number and contract. She asks me to read her out all these numbers of my spare simcards before I leave so she can do it. I don't have a clue. I turned on the Vertu brick and waited for a moment before recieving a message informing me that it had been activated. This thing actually was a brick. It was an 18k solid gold phone which had no camera and was quite a lot larger than my blackberry. I phoned Jackie, she told me that she had recieved my clothes I'd posted and they're in the drawing room in my house. Gabrielle is now in Beverly Hills with my mother and father and there was no damage to the house - she checked herself. And she is looking after my car tracking devices. They're these little things that I have for each car. I have to keep it with me if I'm out or in the car, usually I only take the one for the car I'm using and hide the others in a wardrobe or something. What it does is if the engine is started when the thing isn't in the car then the tracking device on the car starts. Quite cleaver really. She also said that the hotel were asking where I would be. Next I phoned them. I had a chat with Carolyn on reception whom I liked. She filled me in on some gossip as did I her and she told me that I'd recieved a book from Dolce & Gabbana because I'm regarded as an important customer and it's in aid of the new men's store which they've opened. I got a David Gandy calendar at Christmas too which was rather pleasant haha. She said she'd posted that on to the hotel. Also my fashion week tickets have began arriving which is marvelous. My sucking up,favors and connections have paid off haha. 

We arrived at the port in what seemed like no time. I let the drivers and the crew take the luggage on board and I went and sat out on deck and read a magazine. The sea was calm and the sun was hot so it was perfect. As I flicked through the pages of GQ I noticed that The Splendido hotel where I had just been staying was in there as was the hotel suite which we've booked into on Capri. I'm so ahead of time haha. We passed a few hydrofoils which were rammed with tourists on the journey to Capri, who will no doubt have thought I was somesort of celebrity. Before now I have sailed past the Trumps, Niomi Cambell, Kate Moss and Mariah Carey on my way over to Capri so I guess they presumed I was someone. They waved and I waved back, a few were taking pictures which was annoying but they were the socks with sandles kind of people who had their cameras around their necks and sunblock smeared across their faces which was shadowed by a very demode fishing hat. 

When the boat docked in the same place the tourists boats did I got off and and walked with 2 men behind me carring Louis Vuitton trunks and Prada and Gucci cases. Of course this drew some attention for the hopeful celebrity spotters, I walked by and got into the car which was awaiting me and sent some texts. The crew and chauffeur loaded in the luggage whilst a few people walked past the car and attempted to casually stare in, however failed due to the windows being blacked out. They were so annoying! If I can't stand it and I'm not a celebrity imagine what it must be like for them! I got to the hotel and went to check in. The lady informed me that the hotel was somewhat full and I hadn't got the room I usually do. Elliot was in one of the penthouses which had a pool and garden and a gym, Ellie was in the Warhol which featured originals of the artists work, Kelly the hepburn, I the monroe, and Kayleigh was in the Callas. I got given a fiar amount of post which I love! Becuase I don't pay any bills I never really get post apart from invitations and things or my magazines or clothes I've ordered. I went up to my room and called the others to tell them I'd arrived, they told me we were leaving for tea in half an hour! Shit. I tipped the bellboy who just brought my cases up and went and got in the shower. I threw open my cases and put on some grey pants from Armani collezioni, a white shirt from Dolce, an orange Hermes belt, a pair of Prada shoes, a gold McQueen scarf and my white and gold Chanel J12 watch. I went down to the lobby and asked reception to send someone up to unpack my things. I had a huge walk in wardrobe and 6 cases and no energy to unpack. I said that the cases were more or less organized into categories anyway so it shouldn't take long. 

We dined in the hotel which never failed to amaze. It was delicious. I had cheese filled Raviolli followed by Raw Red shrimps with caviar and a salad. When we'd finished and let our food digest we all went to bed. Due to our sheer lack of sleep last night and travelling today we were all exhausted! I got into my room which was lovely and tidy. My cases were no longer open with clothes pouring out of them, instead they were in the back of the wardrobe where all my clothes hung neatly. I opened my post which was the photo book from Dolce & Gabbana which showed the fall collection which I would be purchasing this week. It looked nice. I also had a pair of shoes which my mother had posted over for me. They were patent leather crocodile embossed attached with the note: Enjoy Capri darling. Love Mum xo. Bless her. I'll buy her something this week while I'm here :).  

Tuesday and Wednesday were much the same, we spent those days catching up on lost sleep, sunbathing and dining in the hotel. On Thursday we spent the day on the yacht at the harbour at the back, we parked up and soon there was about 15 other yachts surrounding us. It could have been Prince Harry on there or something haha. We tactically avoided the path of the hyrofoils so we didn't get gawped at. We went into Capri at about 1 o'clock to have a look around the shops. We got changed slightly of course. Kayleigh was wearing a Stella McCartney jumpsuit with a pair of black and grey Laboutin heels and an Alexander McQueen bag. Ellie wore a Roberto Cavalli floral dress with a pair of red strappy Jimmy Choos, gold bangles, Bvulgari sunglasses and a YSL bag. Kelly wore an Issa dress with a Micheal Kors bikini under with a pair of new Jimmy Choo gladiator strappy heels, Dior sunglasses and a Mulberry bag. Elliot wore a pair of tailored shorts from Band of Outsiders with a bright green belt from Paul Smith, a white shirt which was open and some gucci slip ons. I had on a pair of grey tailored pants with a khaki cardigan and a loose fitting white vest top and those flip flops which drove me insane yet looked amazingly good all by Dolce & Gabbana with a pair of 18K gold Dita sunglasses which I picked up when I went for a run the other morning haha. The winter clothes have begun arriving in some stores which I am incredably excited about. I spotted a few things I liked in fashion week earlier in the year so it will be hardcore shopping in order to update my wardrobe. I tried not to buy too much because I'll end up having got everything I like within a week and then I'll be bored. I got mother the new large Hysteria bag in Black and Gabrielle the same however in a clutch from Gucci. Also in Gucci I got myself a messenger bag from the winter collection which has a studded strap and a large gucci crest on the front. Then we went to Louis Vuitton where they all dropped a fortune, however due to me having just dropped in excess of €3000 I felt I had done a fair amount of shopping for today. 

A couple of hours and a few thousand euros later we went back onto the yacht to have some lunch. With it being 4 o'clock the majority of tourists were beginning to make their way back to the mainland, therefore meaning they were all in the harbor. The five of us walked with some 20 shopping bags between us to the yacht. Elliot, Ellie and I walked ahead, Ellie was holding Elliot's hand probably so that they looked like some amazing couple haha. As we made our way to the yacht I heard Kelly shout me I turned and she and Kayleigh were stood talking to a man whom I didn't recognize at first, I thought she'd shouted me to get rid of him however when I got to her side it was Dj Coleman. He is a world renowned Dj who does fashion events. He Dj'd at the CFDA awards and many fashion week runway's. Kelly knows him through some parties she's attended and has ended up sleeping with him at nearly every one. She'll often get a text when he's in London asking does she want to meet up or he'll invite her (along with us) to one of the parties. She said "What brings you to Capri, is there a party you've not told me about?" He assured her there wasn't and told her he'd just nipped for the day as he's been in Milan talking to "Dolce & Gabbana's people." He then said "Going to fashion week I expect Kayleigh?" She replied "Of course, skipping London though I think. I don't doubt you'll be there providing your excellent talents." "Of course, I am the best in my industry" He was good. I read that he'd described himself not as a Dj but a music stylist haha. He then asked me if Gabrielle would be coming and I told him she was and he said "Oh excellent" I said "Unfortunately not Coleman, she's got a boyfriend. I'm always available though haha" He replied with his usual jokey "Oh fuck off Kyle haha, if I do ever decide to swing the other way then you'll be top of the list of gays who wish to sleep with me, amongst the models and fashionistas. Speaking of which... Some models have started using bum cream under their eyes to get rid of wrinkles. Apparently it makes the capillaries in your bum contract so they put it under their eyes and it does the same. How fucking crazy is that!? They're doing it after they've been out on the jazz all night and come in for a show." I love this sort of gossip. We all stood and chatted for a while and we said we'd see him at fashion week in September if not before. He went and got into an open top taxi and we went onto the yacht. 

Whilst on the yacht we had lunch out on deck and chatted. Kelly was texting on her phone all the while giving the occasional smirk and texting back. She asked us what time we were going for tea and when we asked why she said I'm going to have sex with Coleman Ellie said "Kelly, you can do so much better. He's not very good looking." I didn't think he was too bad. Kelly replied "I know. It's rare I come across someone who I can't do better than darling but he'll get us into an after-party and if he's doing the Dj'ing it'll be good." She no longer minded. Then Kayleigh interrupted and said "Well Kyle can I go back to your room then?" I nodded and Ellie began to ask Elliot when he said "Yes of course." We went back at about 5 and all went to our allocated rooms for sex. About 2 and a half hours later when Kayleigh had just left there was a nock on my door. I opened the door in my underwear as I thought it was Kayleigh again but it was Coleman. He said "Is this how you normally answer your door?" I said "I thought you were Kayleigh... What do you want?" He walked in and said "You've gone bigger since I last saw you. No wonder you're living that slut's life like Kelly. Oh anyway I need underwear." I looked at him in confusion and said "Did you decide to come out commando today Coleman?" He said "I couldn't find them." I said "Oh" as I knew the feeling. I was always taking mens underwear after I'd slept with them. I went into the draw and got him out a pair of boxed Calvin's and he went into the bathroom to put them on and told me to ring reception for a car. He told me he was leaving now to get his helicopter. I said goodbye and he left then I began getting ready.

We went and dined in a Pizzeria that evening and looked out over the harbor and Sorrento. After our meal we went for a little walk and then got a taxi back to the hotel. We spent Friday and Saturday doing the same as Thursday only we stayed on the yacht as opposed to going shopping. It's been so fun. I can even people watch when I'm on the yacht because there's people jet skiing and things haha. I'll make some friends soon haha. I found a picture of what it's like just so you can get an idea of how we spend our day times: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:View_of_capri_2.jpg ... Yachts everywhere! I love it! 

Speak soon, 

Much love.