My time back in London has been absolutely marvellous. Last Monday Gabrielle decided to go to a party with a few of her friends from university which was being held in one of their houses. When I say house, I do not mean the kind of establishment where my parents or I reside. I am reffering to a hideous four bedroomed townhouse where the rent is split between five, one of whom sleeps in the drawing room... Not the kind of establishment Gabrielle fits in.
Dressed in a seven hundred pound Balenciaga blouse with a grey Valentino pencil skirt and a pair of Alexander McQueen booties with a red underside and neon pink elasticated strap, she had me take her to the party in my Lambourghini. Even from outside I could tell it wasn't going to be the classiest of parties. Whilst in the car home I text Kelly asking what she was doing that evening when she replied Nothing as of yet, would you care to go out? x I told her I would and went and collected her and took her back to my house. When I walked through the door I heard Elliot shout "Hello" and came walking out of the kitchen with a tub of ice cream. Upon seeing Kelly he said "Ugh, I thought we could do something" to which Kelly said "Elliot darling we are going out. Therefore it is rather beneficial that I happened to turn up out of the blue, this way you can have sex with a complete stranger which makes it all the more fun!" Elliot raided my wardrobe and Kelly put on the outfit which she had brought with her. A few hours later, we were finally ready. I had the concierge of the hotel take us into London in my parent's Rolls Royce (no I didn't ask permission, therefore putting my life on the line with my father haha, that said, I doubt he would mind quite as much when it isn't me driving) and whilst on the way Elliot asked where Gabrielle was, I replied "At a party with fellow students" Elliot replied "Oh crikey, is she aware that we are going out this evening. I can't help but think she would much rather come with us..." I told him she did not in fact know we were going out and Kelly said "Let's go and get her. I have always been intruiged about these student gatherings anyhow." We took a detour and showed up at the house where I had dropped Gabrielle off a number of hours ago. We knocked on the door and the person who answered look at us and then another person walked past and said "They'll be for Gabrielle..." the boy holding the door said "Gabrielle who?" to which the other boy slapped him accross the head and said "McQuillan, who else is it going to be you spaz!"
Once inside it was horrific. I felt as though I ought to have wiped my feet upon entry. I had my hands held by my side and Kelly had her nose and top lip turned up. As we passed the people who seemed to be everywhere they all looked us up and down and the girls nudged each other at the sight of Elliot and myself whilst the boys did likewise at the sight of Kelly, she just looked them up and down and said "Do be serious!" We found Gabrielle rather quickly amongst the dense crowd, she was stood with her elbows drawn in (so she didn't touch anything) talking with a couple of friends. We approached and she looked rather shocked and said "Are you going out?" we told her we were and she said "Marvellous, I shall join you" one boy laughed and said "Look at them all stood tense, fucking sno-" he was about to say snobs but Elliot shot him a glare intended to shut him up, if that didn't do the trick Kelly said "It is to ensure I do not touch anything. This place is an inqubus of plague. How one survives in such squalor is beyond me." The boy replied "Well, we can't all afford maids love, sorry to bring you down from your cloud" Kelly said "Oh I am sorry. On my cloud it was the belief that a maid was a human being, just like the rest of us here. Someone who is capable of cleaning. You make it sound as though those who aren't housekeeping staff are completely unable to keep a house tidy." The boy began to reply and she said "Why are you even talking to me?" She asked Gabrielle where the nearest mirror was and a couple of seconds later we heard her scream. I went into the hallway and saw her stood in the doorway of the bathroom. There was a boy stood over her shoulder looking in at what she was screaming at, he said "What's wrong?" She looked at him and said "What's wrong? Look at it. Is this a breeding ground for bacteria?!" He clearly didn't understand what she was saying and said "No, it's a toilet" She looked at him and said "I believe that term is a little too generous, the average toilet is probably cleaner than this powder room. How repulsive! The cupboards in my kitchen are larger than this!" He laughed and said "Fucking hell haha. How big's your bathroom then?" She got some toilet roll and wrapped it around her hands and then said, "Larger than the whole ground floor of this house." When she got back to Gabrielle and Elliot along with me she said "Let's leave. Immediately, before I catch something. Gabrielle how have you stayed here for such an amount of time?" She replied "Kelly darling, I have remained firmly in this one spot and what's more" she took the Jimmy Choo python bag off her shoulder and opened it to reveal a packet of Swarovski crystal wine glasses and said "I brought my own glasses and alcohol. Needless to say I am bursting for the toilet but refuse to go so the sooner we can leave the sooner I can relieve myself in somewhere where the ratio of urine to toilet seat is not 1:15." She's blonde, she ought to get credit for trying even if she did get the equation wrong. A couple of men opened the door for us, clearly attempting to mimick us, as in their eyes it was as though we were royal family, and watched as we walked down the steps. When they saw the Rolls Royce Phantom parked outside they shouted "Oh my fucking god! Look at that beast. Guys!" All four of us said "Jesus Christ" or something of similar effect and continued walking. Gabrielle opened the boot and threw her alcohol and glasses in there and then rummaged around. My parents had only been gone a matter of days yet we had both been using the car and managed to litter the boot with our things. Gabrielle put her hand into her bag and scooped at a handful of money, makeup, sunglasses and placed them in a clutch she had just found, she got the remaining essential items and then closed the boot and walked to get into the car. Upon seeing the men taking pictures of it and standing next to it as though they owned it she said "Gentlemen please. You are completely lowering the class of this automobile and, being such an expensive piece of equipment that is quite a task so well done! Now if you'd be so kind as to move aside."
Once in a place where we felt we belonged: Fifty, we could relax. Whilst in there we saw a few other people who we knew, one of whom was Marisa Miller (sister of Sienna) who was with a few models, all of whom I hadn't seen for quite some time. Marisa said to me "Oh hello stranger, I text you the other day asking whether you wanted to come to Cuckoo but you didn't reply, bitch" I said "Ohh, was that you? I didn't know who it was and I just presumed it was from someone who I had slept with and seeing as I didn't have their number I presumed they weren't anything special... Oh I suppose that description fits you rather well dear" she laughed and said "Darling, that description fits every remotely good looking person in London..." I laughed and kissed her on the cheek and said "How the devil are you?" We joined them and about half way through the conversation Julia, a model who has graced the covers of GQ amongst various other magazines, said "Where is your delightful friend Lee this evening?" Each and every one of them stopped talking and awaited a reply and Elliot eventually said "I believe he is out, I am not aware as to where though, why do you ask?" The girl replied "Well, to put it bluntly... He was absolutely bloody amazing in bed and he is absolutely bloody gorgeous too, rather self explanatory why I would like him here really.." Thinking about it, it is rather comical to think that everyone sat around that table had had some sort of sexual relation with Lee haha. I sent him a message to see where he was and he replied saying "In Vanilla, are you missing me sexual?" ... Evidently drunk. I told him who we were with and he said "I have absolutely no idea who you're talking about. Send me a picture." I replied saying "Don't be so absurd Lee, I cannot do that." He replied saying "You're such a loser Kyle. Meet in 24?" I asked the others who immediately agreed and whilst we made our way across London I got another message from Lee saying "Oh, I'm with a man who knows you; presumably through sex, I didn't ask, I wasn't listening when he told me his name either." I replied saying "... Helpful" and he said "He's a rather strapping young fellow! See you in a moment"
Once at 24 we went straight to the front of the queue as always and once inside we went straight to the bar. The atmosphere was amazing as always and the club seemed to be filled with people who I knew. I spent the first twenty minutes of being in the club with a couple of members of the royal family, followed by a group of men who I knew and then as I walked away I felt someone grope by bum, I turned around and the person began to kiss my neck and then said "I never did get that phone call you promised.." I laughed and as he brought his head up so I could see who it was I had no recollection as to who. I quickly examined him. Oh my. He was divine. I said "Well, if I had remembered the masterpiece which is your torso I would have phoned much sooner" he laughed and said "Ahh, who says I want you now Kyle?" I laughed and began to walk away and said "You remembered my name and what's more, everyone wants me.." When I found Lee I discovered that the person I had just been involved in a short intimate session with was not the person who Lee was with initially, this was another gorgeous man. Another gorgeous man who I could not remember. Lee introduced him as Steve and so I pretended I could remember him, he was a former cricketer turned model and had been on the cover of mens health - I have had relations with these people before (believe it or not.) They are amazing!
At around half past midnight I went in search of Gabrielle; when I finally found her she was stood with Julia and two other models comparing breasts. I looked around and saw that an awful lot of men were staring as Gabrielle pushed hers together and then watched as Melissa did likewise and then squoze Gabrielles. I went over and said "Gabrielle what on earth are you doing?" She was somewhat drunk and said "I want another boob job, look at Melissa's! Here, feel them" she put my hand on Melissa's breast and made me squeeze it and said "and they just remain like that!" I simply remained silent and left them to it and went to the bar. Whilst stood waiting for my Martini someone came and squoze my bum; it was Elliot, he stood next to me and said "Another one of those please, he'll pay" Twenty pounds gone. I asked Elliot whether he had found anyone to take home and he said "Why of course, I have a table full of potentials." Whilst walking to the table I received yet another grope of my behind. This time it was from the man who had approached me at the beginning of the night he said "Are you going to be an awkward little swine all night just for the sake of it or are you going to sleep with me?" I smiled and said "Well, when you put it so nicely.. We'll leave soon." I went over to the table where the rest of my friends were and as I passed Kelly she said "Oh Kyle, your derriere looks absolutely scrumptious!" That explains the gropes I had been receiving all night long, she then said "Which do you prefer?" she pointed to the men next to her and then said "Or shall I propose a threesome?" I said "Oh a threesome would be splendid, if not, him."
Together, my peers and I occupied the whole table, it was hillarious. At one point I heard a huge slap and turned to see Kelly glaring at the man I told her to choose at which point he got up and left with a hand mark on his cheek, she then leant over and said "Decision made.." Gabrielle text me from accross the table saying "Can I stay at your house this evening with you? I shall remain upstairs" I told her she could and that I was leaving at that moment.
After having only been asleep for a matter of hours after the amazing intercourse, Gabrielle came charging into my bedroom shouting "Kyle, Kyle!" I shot up in bed and she said "I've got to be back in New York tomorrow, what am I going to do?!" I lay back down in bed and said "Gabrielle, why on earth have you just woke me up to ask such a ridiculous question? What do you think you should do?" she said "Errm, ring Jackie?" I said "Yes Gabrielle, ring Jackie." When I finally did get up I went downstairs to find Gabrielle waving a knife around the room. I asked "What are you doing?" She stopped and said "I've got the knife stuck in the apple for crying out loud! Of sod it!" And then she threw the knife and the apple in the bin and sat down at the table and began eating some salmon I presumed she had ordered from room service. The man who I had slept with came downstairs (one didn't get his name as usual, thus we shall call him Jack) and once again she managed to portray her intelligence when she asked whether either of us wanted some Salmonella. I looked at her and said "Gabrielle, do you know what Salmonella is?" she said "Female salmon" Jack looked at me in dispair and I said "She is quite serious" and then she said "Oh, is it not?" I told her that Salmonella was in fact a disease and she said "Oh, well I always hear the expression catch salmonella so I just presumed it was female salmon, like a bull is a female cow."
Gabrielle left for New York that day with another four suitcases (despite the fact she still has hundreds of items of clothing already) there and a couple of days later my parents returned from Milan. When I arrived at the airport to collect them they had a considerable amount more luggage than when I dropped them off at the airport, I said to my mum "I'm guessing he treat you well mother?" she said "Oh absolutely, it was marvellous dear. We had an excellent time!" I said "Oh good, what did you purchase for your darling son?" my father replied "What on earth could we possibly buy you that you need besides condoms which I imagine you get through faster than you do Cristal." I just said "Oh hilarious father." When we got back to their house my mother said "Where's your sister" I told her she had left for New York and she said "Oh of course.. Oh my, did she book a flight?" I said "Don't be so absurd mother, we phoned Jackie" to which she replied "Of course, how stupid of me" haha. They did get me a present, I got a vintage Gucci scarf and a pair of shoes. That evening we ate out at The Ivy and then I went to I think his name was Robert's afterwards. The following night Ellie, Kayleigh, Kelly, Chloe and myself decided to go out. Much to my dismay, as did my father as my mother was meeting with friends also. Kelly came to my parents house with me to get ready and as usual we made no attempt to rush and drank wine whilst listening to music. At one point my father came into my bedroom wearing just his pants and no top, Kelly immediately stopped midsentance and stared at him and then he said "Oh good evening Kelly, I didn't know you were here. Are you going out this evening too?" She said "Oh I most certainly am Haz, we ought to meet up, I shall show you a good time" my Dad laughed and said "Oh Miss Moss I do say! I am sorry to disappoint however I am married dear haha" Kelly laughed and said "Harold, do be serious, I was not insinuating anything of the sort" she then turned her back so my father couldn't hear her and said "although..." this sickened me somewhat and so I asked "What is it that you want exactly?" he said "Oh, I believe you have my Hermes watch" I didn't and so said "Father I have my Hermes watch I do not have yours. Nevertheless you may borrow it. I think it's here anyway, go and look in my wardrobe" he looked at me and said "That is a little vague, Kyle your wardrobe is the size of the average house" I showed him to my watch drawer which was filled with various boxed all packed in. About 5 minutes later he came out and read "Dear Harold, Just a small token to show my love for you, with love, Camilla" and then continued with another note saying "Dear Kyle, I hope you like it and what's more you no longer have to take mine without permission. All my love, Dad... Found in two separate boxes Kyle, each box containing a Hermes Watch. What was that you said about not having mine?" I said "Well I wasn't aware I had it father, now if you would mind leaving." He came over and hugged me and then repeatively kissed me on the cheek and said "I will meet up with you later just to make Kelly happy haha" once he had left I said "He is such a loser" Kelly seemed to have only just come round and said "Kyle, I would let him wrap his arms around me and kiss me at the drop of a hat.. Christ, I'd let him do anything to me at the drop of a hat" I was close to vomiting and she said "Kyle it's torturous, he has a body like yours if not better but he is 40 years old which makes it even better! Oh my life." The next thing my mother came walking in and said "Kelly darling, what jewellery would you opt for with this outfit?" She was wearing a Narciso Rodriguez black sheath dress which had satin stripes on along with a pair of 5 inch silver and gold Python Gucci heels which had suede strap detailing on. Kelly said "You look stunning as it is, I wouldn't wear anything. Perhaps your wedding ring as opposed to your engagement ring and that ought to be enough... Camilla, your legs are amazing! I do hope I look as good as you when I reach forty two years old!" My mother said "Oh Kelly you're such a dear. I imagine you will do, I saw your mother in Prada today, she has an amazing figure, as do you... We're going to meet up next weekend and go for lunch and then do some shopping" I said "Oh really, that's good, where are you going? To La Caprice followed by Harrods?" My mother said "No dear, we're going to Paris for the day. Elizabeth has already booked the jet.."
Once finally ready Kelly and I met a rather drunk Felicity, Sophia (who has done an Elle cover) Julia (who has two Vogue covers) and Alessandra (who graced the cover of GQ in her lingerie in June) in Crystal. Stood next to these I felt like some sort of pimp. It was absurd. It seemed that almost every man in the room was staring, even those who were accompanied by females would stare as we passed haha. Whilst in the toilet at one point to men around my age approached me and said "Those girls you are with are fit! Fuck me, where did you pick up a bunch of girls like that?" I looked at him and said "A Victoria's secret party" and left. Haha. Once we had been dancing for quite some time and were now officially drunk Julia said "Let's go and find the rest of the posse, The Met Bar it is my dear friends!" Once at The Met Bar we joined a few more people, some of whom I was acquainted with which was marvellous! After an hour or so of being in the bar I felt someone smack my bum, I turned whilst flashing my dashing smile only to be faced by my father and the restauranteur Marco Pierre White. Marco laughed and said "he doesn't even flinch, it's the norm for him! You've brought this boy up well Harry!" My father then went on to humiliate me even more by going and hugging Kelly from behind, Sophia and Alessandra said "Oh Kelly, introduce us please! You really do sleep with London's finest!" I was repulsed, my father, who was also rather drunk (inevitable when out with Marco) said "Oh please girls! I'm far too good for Kelly" Kelly replied "Oh do be serious Haz. You ought to know by now that no one is too good for me haha" my dad said "You sound just like that egotistical son of mine over there." Sophia, Julia and a couple of the other girls said "Ohh" and then Julia said "Now I see where you get your remarkable good looks from Kyle" I was on the verge of vomiting. My friends were flirting with my own father. After the obvious display of flirtatious behaviour my father said "I am sorry to inform you all that I am married.." They all stared at him expecting him to say more and then Kelly said "A faithful husband girls" and they all said "Oh" my father and Marco began laughing and then my Dad said "So you're all promiscuous little so and so's like dearest Kyle" Julia said "A better term than slut I suppose..." At this point I insisted my father left me and my friends alone and went to socialise with people of his own generation, before leaving he managed to humiliate me a little bit more and grabbed my head and kissed me. Just what I long for when in a club full of attractive men and a vast amount of my friends. Prior to leaving with Ryan I said bye to the the models I had been out with and they said "I shall see you in a few weeks. I need to be on a plane in 6 hours!" I said "Oh crikey, had you better not go and get ready?" she laughed and said "Get ready? I'll go like this if I have to, the only thing I am slightly worried about is whether or not I shall be able to sleep with someone and get to the airport!"
At half past 4 in the morning I received a message from Gabrielle saying "I just received the pleasures of father singing Frank Sinatra to me down the phone.. What on earth?!" I would have replied however I was somewhat preoccupied haha. I went round to my parents house that evening for tea. It seems it wasn't just my father who was drunk and managed to humiliate me. Whilst eating dinner my mother said "Oh it was hilarious last night. I was dancing in a club, I cannot remember the name for the life of me, and all of a sudden a group of boys came and joined us, well they were fun so we allowed them and then your friend Lee came over and said 'gentleman, this is Kyle's mother, Camilla how are you?' and then he too danced with me. All of the other boys seemed to back off though at the mention of your name for some inexplicable reason." My father looked at me and smiled whilst my mother continued "It's rather amusing actually thinking back, he is a lovely boy!" I felt like killing myself. I have no doubt in my mind that Lee would have been staring at my mother's behind throughout their dance and using all his will power to prevent himself from groping her. I have no idea what the issue is with my friends and their particular liking which they take to my parents. It is repulsive! After dinner we sat in the drawing room to watch television and a programme about Dubai came on. It was rather good actually. They mentioned the party which we attended a few weeks ago and one of the billionaires on it also the same car as I haha, it goes without saying that I look far better in it than he. At one point during the programme a lady showed the viewers around an apartment and my father said "Ha! I sold the penthouse to that particular building a matter of weeks ago!" My mother interrupted him and said "Harold do be quiet! That lady deserves respect, she has started her business from nothing and has worked her way up. We on the other hand have merely inherited the majority of what we have now, your family lived in a castle in Dublin for crying out loud and had their own army, I imagine her family lived in an average house in London somewhere before achieving what she has." It's nice to witness my father get the verbal lashing as opposed to me every once in a while haha.
After having watched the programme I received a text message from Kayleigh saying Dubai? x I replied saying No thank you my love, I think there may be a possibility we're going for Gabrielle's birthday which is only next week. Saying that prompted me to text Gabrielle regarding the subject. Gabrielle replied telling me I was to plan her birthday celebration whilst Kayleigh replied saying Kyle, don't be such a bore! We can have a jet in an hours time, Elliot, Chloe and Ellie have said they will come, I think Kelly may be with someone. I thought about it for a moment and then eventually gave in. I got my car keys and my father said "Where are you going?" I replied "Dubai, I shan't be there for long so I shall see you in a few days..." I got the usual "Be careful and behave" from the pair of them, said good bye to the dog and went to my house. I packed a mere two suitcases and took a chauffeur to Kayleigh's house. Surprisingly she was almost ready when I arrived so the waiting time was 15 minutes as opposed to the usual hour or so. Once she had accumulated her suitcases her father and I carried them to the car and he took us to the airport. Whilst in the car he said " You're all guaranteed to have a good time if Kyle takes after his father when he's had a few drinks" I tried to sound enthusiastic but I was anything but when I said "Oh, were you out with him too?" he replied "I wasn't initially but I saw him in Volstead and remained with him until the early hours of the morning when we all stumbled home to our wives" I was thinking "Oh Jesus" but instead the words "Sounds a little familiar..." came out of my mouth.
Due to arriving by helicopter Chloe was already at the airport when we arrived and Elliot and Ellie messaged to say they were almost here. I went outside to meet Elliot who was getting dropped off by his brother (Maxwell.) As usual, I almost had an orgasm just from looking at the unfortunately straight specimen haha. Before going into the airport Maxwell wound down his window and said "Kyle, when are we going to have that night out?" I laughed and said "Maxwell, being desperate is not an attractive trait. If you have such a great desire for me you'll just have to be patient" he laughed and said "Oh do be serious, I'm out of your league Kyle" Elliot pushed me to go inside and said "Please refrain from flirting with my brother Kyle, it is rather sickening." I looked at him and said "Elliot, you have slept with my sister" he said "Ah.. I don't really have a reply for that one..." When we arrived in Dubai we checked in at the Burj al Arab where we were accommodating and went straight to bed, it goes without saying that I didn't go to sleep haha.
For the rest of the weekend we shopped, clubbed and slept with various exceptionally good looking people. On the Sunday, post sleeping with a man called Richard from America he went with me to go shopping. As usual I found a vast amount of things which I wished to purchase and took them with me to the checkout when he simply handed over his card and paid for all the six thousand pounds worth; I thanked him in my own special way haha.
On Monday I decided I was bored and so had my father's p.a book me a flight home. I was flying alone and as usual I was petrified in the airport. Once on board I took my seat next to a woman he looked as though she was in her thirties. I smiled and then completely ignored everyone in the cabin as I attempted to calm myself. Mid-way through the flight the pilot informed everyone of turbulence and as usual I gripped the arm rest as the pilot instructed the cabin crew to also take their seats. This makes it worse as it means it's bad as opposed to them just being concerned for passengers suing the airline. It was horrendous! The plane was repetitively dropping out of the sky and I was holding onto the seat for dear life. All of a sudden the lady next to me grabbed my hand and squoze it while I squoze back. I thought she may have just been trying to comfort me but when I quickly glanced she too was holding on for dear life. It seemed to last for ever and was not getting any better. I honestly thought I was going to die at one point and tears began rolling down my face and when the turbulence didn't stop the girl began to cry too, she was wailing so we held hands whilst gripping the armrest. The turbulence suddenly stopped and the cabin crew got up and carried on walking around. I straightened myself up and relaxed a little bit more and the lady next to me said "Excuse me" and went to the powder room. She returned having redone her eye makeup which had run onto her cheeks. Once re-seated I said "I do apologise for that. I have a somewhat phobia of flying so as you can imagine such things don't bode well for my nerves..." she laughed and said "Oh my goodness do not apologise. I think I would have collapsed had it not been for you. I must have sounded like a complete imbecile wailing like that!" Thankfully the lady helped pass the time for the rest of the flight. Upon being collected by my father I told him of my trauma and as opposed to receiving sympathy I was told "I fail to comprehend how a man such as your self and what's more a son of mine can cry over a bit of a bumpy ride on a plane." Welcome home Kyle.
On Tuesday I woke at my parents house to see that London had been covered in snow. I messaged Kelly to ask her if she wanted to take the dogs out for a walk she replied saying Most certainly, come to my house xx. I put on my Tom Ford fur coat (which cost a mere fortune) with jeans, some Gucci boots and sunglasses and got Maddox in my Lambourghini and set off for Kelly's house at the same time as my mother left for work. Within seconds of being on the road I was forced to turn around. My car seemed to be taking on the role of a shovel due to being so low to the ground haha. When I got back to the house my mother was also re-parking my sister's Ferrari for the same reason. We went back into the house and my father said "What on earth are the pair of you doing?" when we told him he said "Jesus Christ, am I the only one in this family with any intelligence? Gabrielle certainly takes after the pair of you." My mother got the keys for the Audi Q7 so I took the Rolls Royce, I didn't ask for permission of course.
On Tuesday I went and stayed at my dear friend Camilla Al Fayed's house and went shopping with her on Wednesday; she informed me that her father would be on the programme with Piers Morgan on Thursday as it was set in Monte Carlo, a sequel to the previous week which was set in Dubai.
I shall speak to you all soon.
Much love,
Kyle.
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